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Wolverine’s Blog

I was born James Howlett, I can’t remember the year… Raised in Canada, that I do know.  If I had friends, they’d call me Logan.  But I don’t have friends.  You see I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do isn’t very nice.  I’ve seen more death than any normal man should see.  I’m a vet of World War 1, World War 2…I was there when the bomb was dropped at Nagasaki.  Now that hurt…

The man that can’t be killed…The Wolverine…

People are jealous of my powers but trust me, bub, it ain’t no picnic.  Just because I heal quickly doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain.  Do you know what it’s like not remembering your past?  My memory has more holes than…well, I can’t even finish the simile because it’s so messed up.  Point being, it’s not exactly awesome to be me…

Actually…

Now that I think about it, there are some perks to being a self-healing mutant with memory issues…

Let’s be totally honest here.  How many times has your old lady ragged you guys about mundane, every day shit?  “You forgot my birthday.”  “You left my Mom at the airport.”  “You put the cat in the dishwasher.”  I got that covered…documented memory issues!  I can’t even remember my OWN birthday, let alone yours! Your Mom wandered off looking for a Cinnabon!  I invented a new way to wash a cat!  At least I didn’t set the dishwasher to pots and pans…Look, if I forget to pick up milk from the store it’s because my brain was scrambled as a result of government experimentation.  It’s really not my fault…

Now that I’m opening up, let’s talk about my healing ability.  I mean, how freakin’ cool is that?  I can pull a Thelma and Louise off the Grand Canyon while fighting a rabid badger and walk away with nary a scratch.  I can swim with sharks while wearing raw hamburger underwear…I can even eat a dozen ghost peppers of insanity with no reprisal.  Well, except the next morning when I use the toilet.  And you know what else? No disease!  Ebola?  Bring it on.  Cancer?  Not likely.  I can drink and smoke twelve hours straight and my liver and lungs will thank me the next day.  You could inject me with Feline Leukemia and I’d be doing shots at the bar while smoking a cigar within the hour.  No disease also means no STD’s… Do you know how much money I save on condoms every year?  Of course there’s always the chance of making little Wolvie’s, but I think of it as spreading the awesome!  Did I mention that I got ripped in twain by The Hulk yet I still recovered, good as new?  Ripped in friggin’ two pieces!  I was literally beside myself…Who has two thumbs, six claws and can survive that?  This guy, that’s who!

I’d love to delve into this further but apparently Magneto is threatening to destroy Japan so I gotta catch a flight.  What can I say?  I have a thing for Asian chicks and ninjas.  Not at the same time…

– W

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